$OKBOOMER

guilty since 1946

Everything that ever went wrong is their fault. The boomer chain, finally on the blockchain.

A paper-cutout courtroom. A retired man in a cardigan stands at the defendant's box holding a printed-out email and mumbling excuses. A judge behind a big oak bench bangs a gavel. A prosecutor in a hoodie points at the defendant.

contract address: not yet.
It will be posted once, pinned, and never repeated. Any other address is a scam.

The indictment

4,812 counts. These are the first twelve. The court will get to the rest.

  1. Count 1

    Property prices.

    Bought a house in 1979 for the price of a used car. Sold it to you for the price of a small country.

    GUILTY
  2. Count 2

    The 2008 financial crisis.

    Was in the room. Was not paying attention. Got a bailout anyway.

    GUILTY
  3. Count 3

    Dial-up internet.

    Insisted it was fine. Picked up the phone in the middle of your download.

    GUILTY
  4. Count 4

    Every printer ever made.

    Still prints the emails. Still asks why the printer is "doing that."

    GUILTY
  5. Count 5

    The fall of the Roman Empire, 476 AD.

    Claims to have been retired at the time. The court is not convinced.

    GUILTY
  6. Count 6

    The Little Ice Age, 1300 to 1850.

    Left the door open. For five hundred years.

    GUILTY
  7. Count 7

    The extinction of the dinosaurs.

    Hit them with the Buick. Did not leave a note.

    GUILTY
  8. Count 8

    The Big Bang.

    Wanted to see what the button did.

    GUILTY
  9. Count 9

    Your Wi-Fi password.

    Wrote it on the router. In pen. It is the dog's name and a year.

    GUILTY
  10. Count 10

    The Arc USDC premium.

    Sold a dollar for thirty-five dollars before the bridge opened. Still thinks it was a good deal.

    GUILTY
  11. Count 11

    Whatever happened on crypto Twitter this morning.

    Was asleep. Still guilty.

    GUILTY
  12. Count 12

    Reading this indictment to you at dinner.

    Out loud. Slowly. With the printer in the background.

    GUILTY

Counts 13 through 4,812 are on file with the clerk. Bring your own.

The transcript

Exhibit B. Things the defendant said under oath, and what the prosecution replied.

  1. The defendantWhen I was your age I bought this house with a summer job at the marina.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  2. The defendantJust walk in, look the manager in the eye and hand him your résumé.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  3. The defendantHave you tried turning the phone off and going outside?

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  4. The defendantI don't need a password manager. It's all in the notebook. Next to the Wi-Fi.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  5. The defendantA coffee was twenty-five cents, and it came with a job.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  6. The defendantWhy don't you just call them? Fine, then fax them.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  7. The defendantBack in my day nobody had anxiety. We had a lawn.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  8. The defendantRent is what you pay when you don't want it badly enough.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  9. The defendantI clicked the link because it said it was from the bank.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  10. The defendantYou could buy a car for what you paid for that phone. In 1974.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  11. The defendantI put the seed phrase in the safe. The safe combination is on the fridge.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  12. The defendantSub-second finality? In my day we waited three business days and we liked it.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  13. The defendantI told the bank to put my stocks on the blockchain. They said they already had. I said put them back.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  14. The defendantThe printer wants a driver. I told it to walk.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  15. The defendantThe news said crypto is a scam. Anyway, I sold the house to a fund.

    The prosecutionok boomer.

  16. The courtThe prosecution will address this court properly.

    The prosecutionok your honor.

The transcript continues for eleven hundred pages. The defendant asked for it printed.

File a charge

Something went wrong today? It's their fault. File it, and the court will issue a card you can post.

The boomer chain

Arc is a blockchain secured by banks, card networks and a clearing house. It finalizes in under a second, prices its fees in dollars, and its validator set remembers the gold standard. It is, technically, the boomer chain. We are simply the first to say it out loud.

  • Gas is paid in dollars, which is the only currency they recognize.
  • Blocks are final immediately, which is the only kind of decision they make.
  • The token does nothing, which they will find relatable.